The big lie at the spelling bee

Dear Dr.* Douchebag (aka Mr. Moron),

It has taken a number of years of ignoring you, but you have been caught perpetrating the big lie, for what I hope will be the last time in our children's lives. The first of many times you perpetrated the big lie was when our daughter Elsa was in the first grade. She was clearly ahead of the other children in her class for literacy and had a teacher who at the time seemed incapable of providing enrichment within her own classroom to meet Elsa's needs. We met with the teacher and agreed that she was several grade levels ahead and needed to go to another class for her reading. This teacher made the fatal mistake of getting you involved since she was new to the school and I guess didn't know yet to run screaming from your involvement.

You decided that Elsa could not go to another class to be educated at her level. This request had been received at the school many times and never granted and you didn't want to be the one to set precedent. Indeed. Wait, you thought it would be a good idea to send her into her twin sister's class where the teacher had more experience to teach many levels at once. I guess that little lie made it impossible for you not to grant our request to put the girls in the same class from that year on. But wait, that was a precedent too wasn't it? No other twins had ever been allowed to be in the same class before that. Hmmmm? Maybe you should run for Congress? You are a waffler amongst men. But don't get me started on your misogynist tendencies. This is about lies, remember?

You also brought in an instructional coach who was supposed to be helping the teacher. We found out that she was actually teaching Elsa and Elsa saw her as a teacher as well. We weren't OK with our daughter having so many adults in her life when the outcome of Elsa being taught at her level was clearly not going to be met in this manner. All because you didn't want to set precedent? When we brought up that Elsa was already going to another room and having two additional adults in her life as justification for the ease of moving her into another class for literacy, you waffled again. Then the big fat lie came out of your mouth and with those words we pulled our daughter out of school for literacy and my short foray into homeschooling began.

We can't put Elsa into a higher grade. Those are not her peers.

We knew right there and then that we were never going to see eye to eye on anything. Dr. Douchebag (who was Mr. Moron at the time) didn't know anything about advanced children or their development, hell might not even know much about children at all. He lied again when he told us she couldn't be tested for giftedness until third grade. We of course scheduled testing for her immediately. Were the children in her current classroom her peers? Definitely not. They all saw her as different, and while there are more children who stand amongst her in her current grade than ever before, from the beginning of time Elsa has been far more advanced academically and emotionally. The darn kid just doesn't test well and that will stand in her way her whole life because administrators see numbers. Luckily, every other year a teacher sees the person behind the numbers and runs with it. There has come a time when every other year isn't enough.

She had a right then and now to be exposed to individuals on her level, above it, even below it, to receive a deep awareness of all that education has to offer. Not a watered down facade of a reality that will never exist outside the halls of a subpar elementary school. Had she been allowed to blossom and soak in the knowledge she sought with professional teachers and not just her laptop and a library card and a harried mom of three, she might well be a totally different person. Not the one beat down and hopeless after being so let down. She learned that she would talk and no one would listen and when bullied the perpetrator had all the rights and the victim none. And there was nothing her irate mom and a parent coalition could do about it when a superintendent and school board were more worried about test scores and budget cuts than students. That is not the world I want my daughter to see or believe in.

And so, the big lie is like this. The world is in fact made up of all kinds of people who are not your age or race or gender or intelligence, and yet they are your peers, competitors even. Turns out they are not even in your grade level. You are told your whole elementary career that you are in grade 1, 2, 3, 4 and this is what you will learn and be expected to know. Then one day reality hits. You are in a spelling bee and it turns out you are competing with 4th, 5th, and 6th graders even though your number says 4. You are required to know everything you have been taught and yet were supposed to know, even though no one told you, wait actually LIED to you that you didn't need to know, everything in the two grades ahead of you. That's the real world. There isn't a list you get to study in advance of life's tests. No one tells you that you are going to be required to know things no one taught you and didn't anticipate. You have to figure it all out for yourself. You are toast if you believe the big lie that if you do as you are told and stay with your peers you will be prepared or have any chance of being ahead of the curve. You don't get a fucking trophy or ribbon just for showing up. You have to work hard and other people will take credit for your work and you will have to fight to earn every atta boy you get. Even harder if you happen to be a woman. You will even get paid less, but let's not open that can of worms.

I feel like I let my girls down. I knew it was a lie. I thought I could live with it. But watching my 10 year old cry because she didn't win the spelling bee, well, I felt like shit. Sure, Elsa only had two days to study because of our vacation, and the instructions were not at all clear that she needed to study the words for all the grades and would be competing against them. But it was my fault because I had promised to never lie to them about the world. I wanted to protect them, sure, but I didn't want to raise them so sheltered that they called me the first week they left the house and screamed "why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?" I get that they wouldn't believe me until they saw it with their own eyes, but I wanted to show them what could happen. Most importantly I wanted to give them the most strength and invincibility and resilience that I could. For this spelling bee, I failed. I knew in life you are always up against tough competitors that have advantages of having done this already and somehow figured out the rules to the game that are unwritten and even lied about.

As Brady told me, "Elsa cried. Tell Elsa to tell her spelling teacher that she was just spelling words in Spanish." Yep, that makes more sense than telling a first grader you can't learn with the people you are going to be competing against in real life because elementary school doesn't acknowledge that reality. I can't stop my kids from crying or being upset, but I don't want them to be let down because I let a lie fester which gives them the false confidence that if they just memorize a list they are going to win. The truth is that their peers are all other caring, feisty, compassionate, funny, passionate, wise-cracking, intelligent, fun-loving, amazing people who want to make a difference in the world.

Dr. D-Bag was right about one thing: we didn't want Elsa to miss out on being around her peers either. The thing he was wrong about is that age or grade level or any other classifying term is not the defining characteristic of a peer. That lie is absolutely behind every dark moment in history from a segregated society to concentration camps. If we do not give each and every person the same chance to succeed no matter their age or gender or skin color, we have failed at being human.

I believe if we all do our best and fight for what we believe in, the world can change. We are all responsible for what we leave behind. Even though it is not what I would have chosen as an outcome, I know I will leave behind a changed school and more aware administration so that hopefully the next child who shows up that doesn't fit into the box is allowed to poke a little hole and at least see what's outside, if not cut out a window or door until all kids of all abilities are free from harm and inspired to achieve at their level regardless of whether it is far above or below the curve. That no matter what the policy says, everyone does right by every child every day. And when people make mistakes they admit it, learn from it, and move on. Moving on sounds like a very good plan. I have given and taken everything I can from a world I don't believe in.

Douche. D-O-U-C-H-E Douche That is correct. (turns out douche bag is two words, damn it!)

Lie. L-I-E Lie. That is correct.

Goodbye. G-O-O-D-B-Y-E. Goodbye. That is correct.


*Oh, right, I remember, we thought you weren't watching out for the best interests of our kids because you had small children of your own at home. Turns out you were working on your doctorate so as to more effectively step on our children's heads on your way to bigger and better things! Maybe in other people's worlds doctors might automatically get more respect, but in mine doctors, more than anyone else, have to earn it. I have probably never respected anyone less.

My mom thinks I should send a version of this letter to the principal, school board, and superintendent. I don't think I can take out the word douche bag. Anyone else think it would make a difference?